Soul Wounds: Unfulfilled Love & Limerence

We've all experienced the thrill of a new crush—the butterflies, the daydreams, and the irresistible urge to know everything about that special someone. But what happens when this infatuation takes over your thoughts, emotions, and even your daily life? This overwhelming feeling has a name: limerence. Unlike the slow burn of love, limerence is a whirlwind of obsession and desire that can leave you emotionally drained and confused.

The term "limerence" was introduced by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s to describe a deep and involuntary state of infatuation that goes far beyond mere attraction. Tennov's research highlighted the intense and often destructive nature of limerence, noting its significant impact not only on those experiencing it but also on the object of their obsession.

In limerence, the person you are infatuated with is often placed on a pedestal, elevated to a level of perfection that no one can truly attain. However, when reality doesn't align with this idealized image, the same person is swiftly kicked off that pedestal, leading to intense emotional turmoil for both parties involved. Recognizing limerence as more than just a passing crush—seeing it instead as a deep soul wound rooted in unfulfilled love—is the first crucial step toward genuine healing. This awareness allows you to break free from the cycle of idealization and disappointment, fostering healthier, more grounded relationships.

Relationship vs. Addictionship

In understanding limerence, it’s essential to distinguish between a healthy relationship and what can be termed an "addictionship." A healthy relationship is built on mutual respect, trust, and a balanced give-and-take dynamic. Both individuals maintain their own identities while nurturing the connection they share.

In contrast, an addictionship is driven by an intense, often uncontrollable need for the other person, where one becomes emotionally dependent and seeks validation or fulfillment through them. This dynamic mirrors addiction, where the focus is less on genuine connection and more on the need to feed an emotional craving. Limerence often pushes individuals into this unhealthy territory, living more in the realm of fantasy than reality, blurring the lines between love and obsession, and making it difficult to establish truly fulfilling relationships.

Navigating Limerence: Two Perspectives

Limerence can deeply affect both the person experiencing it and the one who becomes the object of their obsession. Understanding these perspectives can shed light on the challenges each person face

When You Have a Limerent Object

If you’re the one experiencing limerence, you might find yourself consumed by thoughts of the limerent object:

• Obsessive Thinking: Your thoughts might be dominated by the limerent object, replaying interactions and seeking signs of reciprocation.

• Idealization: You may place the limerent object on a pedestal, viewing them as central to your happiness.

• Emotional Volatility: Your emotions might fluctuate based on the limerent object’s behavior, leading to mood swings and instability.

When You’re the Limerent Object

Being the focus of someone else’s intense obsession can be both flattering and unnerving. As the limerent object, you might find yourself navigating complex emotions:

• Unwanted Attention: If you don’t share the same feelings, the attention can quickly become uncomfortable, making clear communication and boundaries essential.

• Pressure to Reciprocate: The limerent person’s need for your reciprocation can create a sense of guilt or pressure, even if you don’t feel the same way.

• Managing Expectations: The limerent person may misinterpret your words or actions, feeding their obsession and leading to misunderstandings.

Limerence: An Attachment and Spiritual Wound

Limerence is more than just an emotional struggle; it represents a deep attachment wound often rooted in unresolved feelings of abandonment or rejection. These wounds drive the need for external validation as you attempt to fill an internal void through your connection with another person. Healing limerence involves addressing these underlying attachment issues and rebuilding your sense of self-worth.

Beyond being an emotional issue, limerence also touches the deepest parts of your soul, making it a profound spiritual wound. The intense longing for connection and validation is often a misplaced yearning for spiritual wholeness. To truly heal, you must address limerence on a soul level, seeking fulfillment beyond emotional or psychological solutions.

4 Steps to Heal the Wound of Limerence

1. Cultivate Deep Self-Awareness

The first step is recognizing that your feelings of limerence are more about you than the other person. Explore the root causes of your limerence through journaling, meditation, or therapy. Understanding these patterns helps you start the healing process.

2. Embrace True Self-Love

Healing begins with self-love. Acknowledge your inherent worth, independent of someone else’s validation. Treat yourself with compassion and kindness, especially when you’re tempted to fall back into limerent thoughts. Self-acceptance is crucial for finding peace within.

3. Set and Maintain Healthy Boundaries

Setting boundaries is essential to protect your emotional and spiritual well-being. This might mean limiting contact with the limerent object or consciously reducing the time you spend thinking about them. Boundaries help you regain control over your life.

4. Heal Your Relationship with God
Limerence can reveal a deeper spiritual wound, highlighting the need to reconnect with God. Engage in practices that bring you closer to the divine, such as prayer or spending time in quiet reflection. These practices can help heal the spiritual void that limerence exposes, allowing your relationship with God to deepen and bringing you closer to a state of inner peace and wholeness.

Finding Freedom and Moving Forward

Limerence can be a challenging experience, but understanding it as a soul wound opens the door to profound healing. By cultivating self-awareness, embracing self-love, setting boundaries, and seeking spiritual nourishment, you can break free from the cycle of limerence and move towards a healthier, more fulfilling life.

Therapy for Limerance & Love Addiction in Boulder, CO

Limerence can be a painful and overwhelming experience, often leaving deep soul wounds that are hard to heal on your own. As a Boulder therapist with expertise in EMDR therapy, I can help you navigate and heal from the intense emotional pain of limerence. If you're in Boulder, CO, and ready to move beyond these patterns, reach out today to explore how Boulder EMDR Intensives can support your healing journey.